My parents have been out of town for the past week, and i've been playing house this whole time, waltzing around staving off loneliness--so far I've been doing alright. But i've developed some interesting habits that feel subconscious in many ways. When I was little my favorite thing to do was play dress up with all my moms old prom dresses and costume jewelry. OHH the shiny glamour and kid dreams! When she's away I have a secret habit of going through her jewelry boxes still and wearing all the wedding rings at one time..2 on this hand, 3 on the other...of all the women in our family. Diamond pins, pearls, letters. I'm just covered in the history of love and failure and family.
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I adore it. I think it means I miss them. And I'm not sure if it really makes me feel closer to anybody or anything, but I still do it. I realize it's probably kinda strange. But they had LIVES, you know, before I was born...and they were people. People who we resemble more closely than we ever imagined. I mean, I KNEW this...I just never really appreciated it.
covered in the tokens of history of love.
[[[[this is the story of the boys who loved you]]]]
Exactly how closely is your living bound with the location in which you're living? Places are just places right, and we're people, and it's the people who do the choosing. And the living...right?
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I knew a guy for a while who always said he hated this place; and because of this place he hated himself-and he moved away and, well, he's still unhappy. I guess there's something to be said here about running away in your own company.
Driving down the east coast shoves the whole concept of community on you. Sure these streets have different coordinates, but the houses are the same and there are wonderful and terrible people everywhere. I think I could be happy most anywhere. I think honestly that this similarity is a blessing, not a curse. It allows us to move in our own company, and not leave our souls stuck to the old rivers and old cities and old friends. Although. I can't help but feel that I do that a little bit sometimes. A lot of times. And then spend time collecting myself back.
I only got back from Boston 35 hours ago and it's slipping away already. Zac came up to the city and we played harder than I've played in such a long time. These past few weeks have been deliriously busy and pounding and happy and happy and happy that my head is still spinning even sitting here in my room at home, 700 miles away from it. Even during the 13 hours of driving my head spun. Timing is everything and the timing is always bad! I wasn't ready to leave but I was. I'm not ready to be here but I am. But it's okay. I'm really okay...this is life and it moves fast and I'm moving with it. I made myself a little raft this time and floated downstream instead of dog-paddling like last time. Ladies and gents -- progress.
Maybe if I move to space, then I won't have to explain to aliens that I lived in California, in North Carolina, in Boston, in this town and that town and I loved this and I loved that and I'm just a little bit homesick all the time but I can't figure out for where--or for whom--....I can just say "oh, I'm from Earth. It's my home."
I would like that.
Pet peeve of the day: being bombarded with advertisements everywhere I go. I would like to consider myself well enough adjusted to dealing with constant ploys to steal my attention; I watch the roads not the billboards, if you will. But SOMETIMES, when new technologies come along or you accidentally give your phone number to somebody and forget they have it, you get very random (not to mention invasive) advertisements. It's bad enough that gmail posts ads that are related to the content of my e-mails (especially when you would like to think that you're not necessarily defined by what your forced to e-mail people about all day...it's even worse when you realize that to some extent you are. Zum Beispiel: wrote an e-mail to my mom and gmail suggests:
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Is your bank in trouble?
Foreclosed homes for sale.
Free school scholarships.
Need better health insurance?
I'm cringing. At how a robot just defined my worries based on a 6 sentence e-mail. In light of this, and other irritating facts of the day (like how I got 3 mass text messages in 4 hours telling me to attend various events and pay various amounts of money. THREE!) I was brainstorming earlier about the pros and cons of the advertising story of this accelerating and condensing world.
It seems the more they throw at me, the louder I turn up my ipod and the darker I make my sunglasses and, yes, the more narcissism I have to add to my daily routine to convince myself I have no reason to deviate my attention (It's the most important accessory, narcissism). I habituate to the level of stimulation just like a sensory neuron that doesn't feel your shirt on your back all day. Habituation is absolutely essential and natural. Right? It's okay to block out the world sometimes......
"We must rapidly begin the shift from a "thing-oriented" society to a "person-oriented" society. When machines and computers, profit motives and property rights are considered more important than people, the giant triplets of racism, materialism, and militarism are incapable of being conquered."
— Martin Luther King Jr.
It's been three years since my last post. I'm still the same person, right?
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Not at all? Oh dear.
Either way, my soul is being slowly diminished into one sentence facebook statuses and tweets, crunched into a text message and posted for everybody to ignore. This world is exhausting and moving at the speed of light as it is.
Let's bring back the blog. The journal. The face to face conversation! The time outside. Or, you know, just time where we're paying attention to who we are and why, instead of microsnapshots of life that you stare at for hours and don't learn anything new about who people are. Or anything new about anything. Admittedly, I don't really want to blog about my daily activities so much anymore...and I don't want to be a pretentious twat who only posts about "that New York times article on the consumer driven wars" or "this wonderful new technology I found the other day"...oder etwas. I guess the most complicated part of allowing yourself to express life in more than a sentence is finding something to say that you feel is important to others or yourself in some way. Or how much you can possibly express within eloquent limitations.
The danger, of course, is rambling....
Haven't posted since this summer. Figured I should say something witless and uninspiring to fill this ravenous loneliness.
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This whole past year was just...full of one beautiful boy and all our beautiful exploits and adventures. Took some fun trips in the middle of the night, to the zoo, to Baltimore, to the train tracks...I just got home from Pennsylvania where I leave him now. So this is what they meant when they said, someday, I'll know what it is to lose.
I am optimistic some moments.
|Subject:||a fond farewell?|
school has been...it has been. it is. whatever. But I am perpetually distracted by other things during all that time I have to myself in the middle...and I don't know, this whole summer has been mixing and blurring and at the end of all of this---
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I feel alone. I feel cheated. I thought for sure I escaped my own doom of bad goodbyes and selfish wishing, because it worked out like I always dreamed it would. But now, I realize it was a different sort of doom I had ignored. I suppose it would have been better if he had left, and we could just remember the summer well and move on and forget that it was, at the time, such a revolution of souls and heat and lust. Now we are here, still welded, and I fear even more that it will simply sour and fester, and my anger and dissapointment will never pass from it the longer it drags on. But I cannot deny that I wish it to work. I do. so badly it is shameless. But what can you say, when half the time you are dying, and half the time you have never been so alive?
I wish it wasn't so elating and crucifying, because that's what the world is right now. It is exhilarating, it is so beautiful, and new. but it pins me up and forces me to watch-to watch it all--- i don't know--- Watch it all burn. Hang us by our tailfeathers to watch our friends leave, our hearts break, our time crunch and crumble and those scary futures approach.....
I thought I was going to lose. i was wrong. i am ready.
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I am feeling everything now.
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today i met the famous Allie G for lunch at Natty Greens, and spent some time bothering jessica who was at work...good to catch up with the kids. So, allie and I had some time to kill before we went down the street to visit jacob....so we went and bought some sidewalk chalk....the guy appologized but there was only white. but it was a hot day, i couldn't think about color. too exhausting. white was fine.
and before long, Greensboro had been officially chalked. chalked with hopscotches, lines of ants (marching two by two...huraah) some balloons, a love bench, an insulting trashcan, a chalk outline in a parking spot/crime scene, and....
a GIANT tapdancing tea cup for all the customers at Alex's cheescakes. YES.
you took it like a man. copyright allie and alyssa, 2006.
so, i'm off to california tomorrow morning at 6. bright and early, when the world looks best. can't wait for the familiar foggy mornings and cool nights and rocky beaches and golden hills. oh, god. can't wait. but i'll miss so much here, and unfortunately, this summer-
has changed my mind about everything. like i've been seeing everything the wrong way for so long and now, i've been reminded that i am not incapable of love and not destined to live without trust. even though it is all almost over. i almost feel like it has been.... it has been worth it.
i've been feeling an update comming on. my summer has been a string of various long dreams and adventures, as usual. A lot of sleeping in late, and forgetting to eat food because it is less interesting than other various distractions around my room.
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monday or tuesday or something i called up jess chi, and we went on the cutest picnic and walk in the rain with our classic umbrellas and watermellon. what a life. what a girl. the next day i went to the mechanic so they could fix my windows and make my car start better, but all they did was hit on me and then steal my car. lame.
i've been seeing a lot of people who i've been missing, and i've been not missing a lot of people i hate. what i love most about summer : being able to not answer my phone, without the awkward looks i get in the morning at school.
soo. i leave for austria soon, will be there a bit. then i come home and five days later i leave for the beach...then a week after i come home i leave for CA for the rest of the summer. sigh. i'm excited. but i know i will miss this pretty litte city. and all you beautiful, transitory, irreplaceable people that i love.
THAT I LOVE.
i'll miss you kids.
so. it was raining this weekend. and i was tired and moody and i picked up one of the old books in my house and held it for a long time before i even bothered to open it. but eventually i began to read. and read until there was no more dripping to listen to. as follows is a much more eloquent illumination on my own patriotism and paradoxical frustration with my country:
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"You see my kind of loyalty was loyalty to one's country, not to its institutions or its office-holders. The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing; it is the thing to watch over, and care for, and be loyal to; institutions are extraneous, they are its mere clothing, and clothing can wear out, become ragged, cease to be comfortable, cease to protect the body from winter, disease, and death. To be loyal to rags, to shout for rags, to worship rags, to die for rags- that is a loyalty of unreason, it is pure animal; it belongs to monarchy, was invented by monarchy; let monarchy keep it..."
Mark Twain, A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court
it's odd that it takes death to make us realize the true magnitude of a person. it's sad that the truest we ever see them, the most clear and beautiful reflection on their whole great life and their whole great impact, comes because they no longer exist.
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and i don't know that i've ever felt more upset about that small unfairness. it calls to a certain anger because not only do i see it as a problem with human bonding, but a problem with myself, and with everybody i know. it is not some distant paradox, it is not some hazy abstract discomfort. it is a solid realization that we take shit for granite until it's dead. until it's gone.
an overdose on easter. it was a good run, boy.
i am sorry.
I just got home from boston. and now i am home.
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to my own room, only to find that my sister brought a ton of people over and some random people slept in my bed. so. ahem. message.
FUCK YOU, YOU DIRTY SLIMEBALL TWITS, GO PITCH A BLOODY TENT IN THE BACKYARD AND FUCK EACHOTHER THERE. NOT IN MY BEDROOM. oh. and. FUCK YOU SISTER FOR LETTING PEOPLE IN MY ROOM AT ALL.
ew. sheets washed, room cleaned, inscence burned and loud music played to sterilize the "other people" feel of it. what a fucking obnoxious thing to come home to, considering my sister lied about it. i'm so angry at greensboro right now.
boston was incredible, and i love it and want to move there so badly. although people are sort of impersonal. but when i got into the raleigh airport there was a bunch of rednecks reving their engines and blowing their noses and i basically wanted to jump right back on the plane.
oh, and. the other day...(get this get this)
I finished a cup of coffee before jessica. I WIN!!!! i never thought i'd see the day. she must have been sick or i must have been really thirsty. she's like, a marathon consumer of food and drink. end post.
so. my life has been one amazing adventure lately.
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my parents have been out of town for ages, they just got home tonight and they're going to NY this weekend?!?!?! MOMMM. stop! but anyway, tuesday night. my sister shows up at my house at 9 o'clock with like, 10 people, 3 dogs, and 8 bags of laundry.
so. we stay up until four in the morning depleating our well, washing a sea of dirty college clothes, and drinking margharittas/rum/beer. i'll just say that wednesday was one of the worst days of my life. but it was probably worth it.
wednesday was so uneventful it kills me.
TODAYY!!! i wake up and feel great, the sun comes out for lunch and we celebrate jess's birthday, after school we go talk to the adorable lady who owns "thai it up"... (go there by the way, it's basking in awesomeness). then i have to drive back to tate street to go to food not bombs, and it takes me 20 minutes! four cop cars scream up beside me and i'm like "oh, fuck fuck fuck, WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE IN 30 FEET!!!"
they scream past me.
stop a white SUV in the middle of the street (hold up traffic), take this kid out of it, bang his head on the car door, cuff him, and start pulling bags out of his back seat. ummm....yeah. woah. THEN there was a fire truck and all this gross pulling over and waiting ensued. but i finally get to fnb and it was a really good time. really. so fun.
LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU!
1. We appreciate antiquity because it represents stability. It is a long constant, a large comfort. Tangible history. Towns with stone buildings built as early as 1000 A.D. Vines, sloping lines. Roman Roads that were still in use. The road in front of my house wouldn’t last 10 years if they didn’t tar it annually. But there were still kids, still style and gardens. Still happy and sad faces. Even when our world ends there will be no end to those juxtaposed happy and sad faces, no matter what universe they manifest in. the balance is startling. We aren’t losing anything. That’s why we like antiquity. It makes us feel at home. Connected to our pasts which we so carelessly distort and dispose of. Our history is unclear and we miss it.
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2: people are beautiful from far away. I want things I will never have because I am obsessed with having an object to my affections. I don’t really want to own them. I want to chase them. But there’s a hint of dishonesty in that, too. I don’t want to be alone when it comes down to it. At all. At all.
3. There is immesurable power in dreams, life, and silence. Human bonding is dependent on one or all of these influences.
4. Eighth grade teachers don’t understand anything. No, neither do congressmen, parents, zoo-keepers or high school students. It is always just an interpretation of our pile of things we have lying around to believe in. Just a certain preference of patterns. Nobody has any truth on love, Jesus, Confucious or art. Intrinsically we relate. Logically we have no idea what it is really like to represent our race. We don’t see ourselves as walking examples, because we are fearful of such close contact. We all have the variable X syndrome. Representing everything at different times, but having no constant home on any number line. Non-existant and invisible. Not belonging. But I found out that everybody has it. We’ve got collective amnesia. And that’s upsetting. I thought this world had answers.
5. When I was five I found an arrowhead in my grandfathers vineyard. Old Miwok land. I find myself carrying it around with me when I have bad days so I can push the tip into the palm of my hand to relieve the frusturated fireworks in my head. Stories tell you everything about someone.
*typical myspace whining*
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I've been really upset and confused lately. I feel like i've been sacrificing happiness for comfort. for complacency and just some unimportant situations that dispel my loneliness temporarily. I know everybody feels that way sometimes. But it feels like a chore to go about changing yourself.
*end of whining*
so the other day, i was hanging out and enjoying my high, and then i came home and sat around in my room with just the christmas lights on in the dark and burned some incence. and i saw god. not like, the big man in the sky, but this amazing hugeness and emptiness and patterns patterns patterns. But i turned him away. i thought it was really funny, for some reason. I just sort of...shook it off.
If I was more sensible i probably could have had a real spiritual revolution right there on the floor. hahahaha. someone shake some sense into me. Tomorrow God will probably get angry with me for refusing his company and smote me down with an awe inspiring show of lightning and fireworks.
well, okay. I thought it was funny. the end.
gahh i haven't updated in so long! here's the happs:
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my 23 year old cousin just came to live with us and work with my dad. so. yay. a new brother.
Josh just left for savannah and now I have nothing to do, Exams are finally over, today was the most beautiful day ever to grace January. I went to the green bean tonight to see some person play guitar. it was...extensive and unoriginal but whatever, cool people were there. I went on a picnic with a friend of mine today, haha it was amazing. So far the year has been going well. everybody looking forward to the new classes? good.
Love and happiness,
HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD. I am so angry at all technology right now. sometimes i wish we could just pull the plug and go kill whales for kerosene again. i mean it. jesus. i'm bout ready to throw punches at my electrical box. FIRST my DVD player wasn't working, and the sound was all funky and I couldn't figure it out so i got on the computer. it was SO SLOW and THENNNNNN i open up itunes to find that all my songs are missing. *pulls hair* oh. my. god. and then, just to peeve me, my myspace was unavailable.
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i quit. q. u. i. t.
i'm moving into my backyard and cooking veggie burgers over an open fire for the rest of my life. i'm starting a commune. join me?
it has been a long year. although it feels like each year gets progressively shorter. until, i'm convinced, i turn 90 and then i'll be turning years over like a pro flipping pancakes.
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i am not there yet.
a lot of good things have happened, and (despite this really annoying cold i've got) i'm feeling good about this year and looking forward to the rest. there are also things i'm nervous about...sort of that impending doom feeling, where you wish your life was really just a photograph of humanity and you could walk out of it when you didn't want to be there.
so. now that i've had my uninformative caption of the year, i hope that everybody else has something to be postitive about, and look forward to. do me a favor and have an amazing new years. but if you're reading this sitting at home, wondering about your last year and can't seem to really put your head around it or are fucking tired of getting older or whatever your reflections are....well. call me and i'll distract you. it's the least i could do.
i love love love you kids.
oh, and look at my emotion alien! he's puking! hahaha. aw.
i haven't posted a real post in a very long time, so I figured i'd hand over a couple minutes of my life for public viewing and my personal archive. let's see...it's close to christmas! i took a trip to southpoint today to do some last minute shopping with my family, it was pretty ridiculous and a bit stressful. but i always enjoy capitalism most during the holidays.
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school is finally out, what a bloody chore that's been lately. some days i can hardly bring myself to talk to people, or even wake up in the morning. but most of the time my general life policy has been endurance. and so far i've endured. that's a good thing.
i've been having weird dreams lately. In most of them, i'm with all these different people and then all of a sudden i realize they've all walked off. i never follow them. and i never want to. then i wake up. it's so strange.
anyway, i came home early yesterday and made cookies all afternoon, it was the loveliest thing. HAPPY HOLLIDAYS ( =P ) everyone.